There’s a huge amount of choice when it comes to deciding what your next SERIES binge should be, but how to choose? Through the magic of astrology, of course! Yes, it’s expected to be boiling worldwide this weekend, but who really wants to be outside in that? Over a month in, the allure of the heatwave is long gone and now we’ve all just accepted that we live in a world where things are regularly hot, but one where your thighs stick together on the bus, AC is always broken, and the store often runs out of Talenti. In short, it’s probably better if, instead of getting sunburnt in a busy park this weekend, you stick the desk fan on and lay on your couch for hours on end. Luckily we’re here to help you choose what to watch. Ah, you’re welcome!
Leo — Love Island
Leos are, how shall we put it, exhibitionists. They like to show off. They like drama. Their energetic, showy nature is perfect for Love Island. If Leo was a person, it would be Love Island — not a contestant, but some sort of amalgamation, born only out of lip fillers, a Fashion Nova discount code and the collective romantic tension and pent up sexual frustration of twelve 24-year-olds from regional Britain. Oh, and of course, Leos are nothing if not loyal. Series 4’s loyalty-obsessed contestant Georgia could relate.
Virgo — Gossip Girl
Virgos enjoy the finer things in life. They have a Blair Waldorf-like attention to detail and, though they may never admit it, they would like nothing more than to join Blair and Serena at their favorite lunch time stop on those top steps of the Met. Plus those Constance uniforms are just so chic. Gossip Girl binging is perfect for a Virgo because although drama and suspense and tension and all the things you want from a good Netflix binge exist in the world of Gossip Girl, it’s a sort of controlled drama. The problems of these privileged, sexy Manhattan teens are curated and they look good. Plus, if Gossip Girl, a disembodied omnipotent figure who exists solely to judge others, was a person (and if that person wasn’t Dan Humphrey, because that was a dumb choice), then they would be a Virgo.
Libra — Orange Is the New Black
Indecisive, romantic, idealistic, unreliable, spontaneous and naive — if Libra was a person, it would be Piper Chapman, the star of OITNB. While the rest of us stopped being able to identify with OITNB’s charming but infuriating protagonist, Libras probably understand. And a Libra’s natural indecisiveness makes choosing a series for a good old binge near impossible. Luckily the platform plugs Orange Is the New Black constantly, so why scroll through? Just click on that huge ad at the top and remain invested in the lives of the women at Litchfield even though, c’mon, it’s gone on a bit long now.
Scorpio — Riverdale
Dark, mysterious, admittedly kind of intense — a Scorpio aesthetic would fit in perfectly in the town of Riverdale. And while we don’t know when Riverdale’s resident journalist and sadboi Jughead Jones’s birthday is (because, as he often says, he hates birthdays) he is obviously the ultimate Scorpio. His “I’m weird, I’m a weirdo, I don’t fit in and I don’t want to fit in” speech from season one? It’s basically every Scorpio’s Tinder bio.
Sagittarius — Glow
The women of Glow are changing the world of wrestling. They’re curious about the new world they’re embracing. They’re enthusiastic. They’re optimistic about the future, even when that future seems to be entirely male-dominated and includes a startling amount of spandex. These traits are admirable, and they are also intimately tied with the standard personality of a Sagittarius. If you had existed in the 80s, the pre-WWE days of wrestling, you probably would have relished the Glow life; the endless traveling, the constant changes, the unpredictability of each day. Luckily, even if you weren’t, you can — as with most things — live vicariously through Netflix!
Capricorn — The Crown
Yung Queen Liz, played impeccably by Claire Foy, is the ultimate Capricorn. Ambitious, wise, practical, she embodies the best traits that Capricorns will be all too familiar with, and some of the worst ones too — she’s stubborn, cautious, prone to pessimism, you know the rest Capricorns. But who cares if she can be glum? She’s the bloody Queen! Break out the After Eights, prop yourself up with many cushions and turn your sofa into a makeshift throne as you channel Lilibet (the Queen’s cute nickname) in anticipation for the third series. You rule over this dominion (the dominion being your sitting room). Enjoy the fantasy.
Aquarius — Stranger Things
Broad-minded and free-thinking, Aquariuses are practically hardwired for the Netflix binge. It’s what they were born to do. And the stars have aligned to give them, for good or bad, one of the most addictive personalities in the zodiac. For this reason they could basically find themselves suddenly so into any show on Netflix that they’re calling in sick to watch it at home for days on end, not showering, curtains firmly closed. So like, fuck it, if you’re going to get into something that much, it might as well be Stranger Things. We’d tell you to enjoy it but let’s be honest, you’d enjoy anything with upwards of 10 episodes to become immediately obsessed with.
Pisces — Planet Earth
Pisces ruling planet is Neptune, so like, obviously Planet Earth is the perfect binge watch choice for them. As the most intuitive people in the zodiac, every Pisces will undoubtedly know what’s meant by that, but for the uninitiated, I’ll explain: Pisces humans have more emotional capacity and empathy than the other signs. They’re generous and yes, a little emotional. They just get more deeply affected by the world than the rest of us. So while you might find the sight of the penguin or the prairie dog or the little bird dying kind of sad, a Pisces will openly sob. Only David Attenborough’s soothing, calming narration will be able to coax them back from gloom. Planet Earth suits them but for the love of god, don’t let them stream Blackfish afterwards.
Aries — RuPaul’s Drag Race
Chaos reigns, both on the set of RuPaul’s Drag Race in any given episode, and in the world of an Aries on any given day of their lives. There’s no other sign that loves drama as much, and no other show on Netflix that provides as much drama. For every hastily thrown Absolut cocktail, every passive-aggressive comment in the Interior Illusions lounge, every Snatch Game disaster, there’s an Aries living for the fallout. This is not RuPaul’s Best Friend Race, it’s Aries lifeblood
Taurus — Friends
Tauruses value one thing above all others: dependability. The world out here in 2018 can be a terrifying hellscape at times and they long, deep down, for something to anchor them in that world. Something calming. Something nostalgic. Something that ran for 10 seasons and millions of episodes so that the only thing you have to do when you’re watching it is hit that “yes” button when Netflix asks you that passive aggressive question about whether you’re still watching. Shh, Taurus. Friends is there for you, always.
Gemini — Queer Eye
The reason Geminis often get accused — unfairly — of being two-faced is because of how multifaceted their personality is. They have, to put it one way, the enthusiasm and restlessness of Jonathan, the thoughtfulness of Karamo, the resourcefulness of Antoni, the communication skills of Tan, the creative vision of Bobby. Put together, they’re basically all of the Fab Five. And they’re hella adaptable. A Gemini would probably love to get a Queer Eye makeover. But until that glorious day happens, they can make do by watching the Fab Five reinvigorate someone else’s life instead — which is almost just as good.
Cancer — The Great British Bake Off
If you were asked to describe one sign of the Zodiac as just being lovely and nice, it would be Cancer. And if you had to describe one Netflix show as being lovely and just very nice, it would obviously be The Great British Bake Off. Calming, sweet and harmonious, the show is basically the perfect representation of a typical Cancer personality. And really, when it comes to binge-watching, who wants something stressful and filled with action and drama? It’s the weekend! Relax! Watch some kind northern grannies try and fail to bake a tarte tatin before dissolving into tears and shouting at Mel and or Sue, “I can’t believe I’m crying over cake!” The perfect Sunday.
Source: i-D Vice
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