Shock is an understatement of what you feel when that news breaks; the passing of someone so close to you. Someone whom you had imagined doing life with; someone you saw yesterday and now is no more.
You desperately pray that it is a bad nightmare that you need to wake up from; the nightmare you can hiss and laugh at when you wake up and see the person again. The denial you feel sets anger in motion and you see the pointlessness of life. All these feelings and the overwhelming nature of them is truly a terrible place to be.
If the circumstances surrounding the person’s death ‘seemed’ within your control, you could blame yourself intensely for it even for years to come. It is just ‘better’ to have them around than to have them at ‘that other side’. ‘If only’ becomes your very regular song and you sing it in your heart for as many times as you can. If only! Just if only. Hmm.
Plot twist though – While death may bring the highest sense of loss, there are some categories of loss that could be worse; knowing that someone whom you loved, secretly loathed you with dangerous and harmful intent is the height of it all. Right?!
Sometimes, your loved one moves into a season in their life where things are just not the same. They used to be your very own padi but the dynamics of the relationship changed either with status, location, a circle of new friends or just some negative vibes you can’t seem to explain. Either by death or by others, the pain is excruciating.
The physical analogy of this emotional pain is that of a Big toe nail being forcefully removed from one’s toe. The red liquid can be seen dripping from that toe, but no one knows the colour that emotional wounds drip. The pain, though, cannot be described unless experienced. The sudden absence of these lovely people causes a shift in our mental and attitudinal posture – a shift that can either make or break us.
For the sudden deaths of loved ones, People say the most painful goodbyes are the ones that were never said or never explained. But Hellen Keller, a political activist, lecturer, and first deaf-blind American to earn a Bachelor of Arts degree says ‘What we have enjoyed deeply we can never lose and all that we love deeply becomes a part of us’.
While the grief is intense, we must appreciate the good times we had with the people we have lost because they are forever in our hearts. They can never be replaced. Time numbs the pain of losing a loved one; it never really goes away. Hold on, time would help.
For experiences of betrayal, we do not even love to rehash the events, but whatever we do, Gail Caldwell, writer and critic says “we never get over great losses; we absorb them and they carve us into different, often kinder, creatures.”
I sincerely hope that you become kinder; that you shine your light brighter and not let the flaws of others be the lenses through which you see.
I condole with you. I know that feeling and I also know that you would be okay. Hold on.
By Oludara Ogunbowale
Read also: #DarasPage – In The Event Of Failure